Rehab log

(This is a post-dated post. Didn't have time to clean it up for publishing the night I wrote it. Actually, I still don't, but I can't stand it.)

Was doing exercises while sitting quietly in the back of my colleague's car on the way back from lunch .. felt the muscles cramping a bit and ... afraid to over-work them and risk damaging them...

Reading about the Schumann finger contraption and the futility of "pulling seedlings up to make them grow faster" makes me wonder if I should be doing off-keyboard exercises at all... so I give it a rest... but then I also remember that in stretching practice for pointe toe work, getting cramps is a not a bad thing if you do as a controlled practice, the after-effect of the cramp is to strengthen the muscles, reducing the tendancy to cramp in future... (Mysterious, but perhaps because the muscles get used to clearing lactic acid better?)

Bah.

The other thing about off-keyboard exercises is I am wary that I might be conditioning the fingers to get used to creating resistance / force when I should probably be training them for fluid, effortless ability; strength without exertion.

... I suppose that is harder to train though, ... not sure how to apply Pilates principles to finger exercises but I shall examine that idea when I have a bit more leisure.

That would however seem more in keeping with the "principles of total relaxation" as described by the last description I've browsed in the piano masters conversations.

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Have been thiking that I should perhaps get my beginners books sent down to me in KL so I can start from scratch with this whole 'building up' business. Though God knows how long it'll beefore I'll be able to play anything again. Going through Grade 1 - 5 in another 5 years is not an encouraging thought.

Anyway yesterday night I decided that the 3 pieces I rougly know by heart (and can play without TOO much of a struggle strike notes accurately) would provide the best exercises for the time being.

Quite fortunately for me, one of those pieces turns out to be excellent for strengthening the small finger of the left hand, another for the small finger of the right hand, and the third one, will eventually (I still can't do it now except in the easiest configuration of hand) offer good practice for playing chords with the right thumb in proper alignment (ie. without the weak kink).

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Meanwhile, in briefly eyeballing the book today, noted it said about 11 weeks of exclusively scales and technical exercises are necessary to build up strength before moving on to any sort of other stuff. That 'foundation' approach totally agrees with what I was thinking... it's a relief to see 11 weeks, since it terrifies me to think it might be months and years before anything worthwhile happens. Granted, that 11 week period was probably talking about several hours practice daily...

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Anyway, off-keyboard exercises aside, finally managed to get some actual contact with the keys tonight. Exclusively scales.

Slowly. Only in 3 octaves. And only the 7 white key scales so far. Paying attention to the curvature of the fingers, and the 3rd note accentuation.

As I checked myself for 'relaxation' I found myself not breathing.

I realised something.

I'm fricking terrified of the piano. I'm Absolutely petrified of making a mistake.

At this wholly ridiculous realisation a not-entirely-unfamiliar surge of emotion bubbles up; one that leaves me unsure whether to laugh or to cry. Anyway.

I mentally give myself permission to make mistakes, and to focus attention on getting only one thing right at a time... I also give myself flexibility to decide which one might be most important, when. And I also give myself permission to choose whether to start over as though nothing happened when I make mistakes, or learn how to continue to the end without the error disturbing my concentration. And I strictly order myself to do these things WITHOUT beating myself up mentally and WITHOUT making disparaging comments.

I realise that I couldn't take lessons from any teacher. It wouldn't help.

I realise suddenly that I'm the only teacher that can possibly help me be able to play. Peculiar psychological problems. I wasn't more right than I though about there being a mental block. But quite aside from battling the psychological intangibles... I realise there's also been a Fundamental Lack of attention to basic technique and strengthening in throughout my musical education, while it lasted. This is probably a general flaw of the exam-oriented education system here.

Providence must have chucked the book in my way. Just these brief glanes at it are giving me so much to think about that I was never aware of before... and they rather chime with how I like things to be done.

I don't get frustrated with technicals if I know why I am doing them and where to pay attention to searching for mistakes to fix (much the same with ballet actually, I don't understand people who think ballet class is boring) ie. having a broader purpose... not just memorizing finger patterns and mindlessly running scales to automation point so that you hopefully acquire an ability to present them before an examiner, while in a state of terror without understanding what the hell you're doing...! But I digress needlessly.

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Somewhere around the 6th scale I also realise I'm overaccenting the accents and stiff. I loosen up a bit and try to approach the keys with more fluidity and relaxation. The sound is different. And it's less fatiguing.

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Speaking of ballet - a single session of yoga in the morning yesterday has helped today's class imesasurabley - it's Ridiculous how much it helps. And more ridiculous how Irregularly I get myself to practice the yoga.

I think I shall have to start marking off my yoga practice sessions to make myself more accountable.

Oh yeah the cracked toenail prevents me from doing real pointe so I did the pointe technical exercises in softshoes tonight; and discovered from the shaking / sensations of weakness that the required muscle groups are actually nowhere near strong enough to actually be playing around with pointes. (The pointes actually disguise this weakness. No wonder I was getting overstretch pain in the bridge.) I think I'll stay in softs for the exercises for a few weeks more and see if I strengthen up any.

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This also made me observe the girls in class more carefully and i realised most of them (although they have less strength-to-weight ratio difficulty to deal with than I do) still aren't really properly on pointe either.

Not that I blame my teacher. She's easily the best teacher in the school, and I really enjoy her classes- but to keep her job it's more important for her to prep them in broad strokes for their exams. That is what their parents pay for after all. I seriously doubt any have hopes for theit kids to go full time into dance. They'd probably be horrified.

Mostly the kids don't really understand what they're doing either and most of them don't care. Some of them think they hate the classes. (Going to class, it never ceases to amaze me that I have four functioning limbs, and it's wonderful to be alive... even in my poor condition...) But that's a question of attitude and maturity. Not a topic for Meditations. End here. Sleep.

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Aim for a quick session of Yoga tomorrow morning before work. Accountability!